I’m told I did the right thing, but I look back at the last fork in my life and I can’t help but wonder if I’m walking on the right path. The signs pointed me left and I went left, but what if going left will just lead me into yet another dead end, another loop that leads back to where I started? When it comes to choices, I sometimes wish my life was one of those books you read as a little kid, the ones where you could turn to page 19 to choose one path or turn to page 28 to choose another, yet you could peek and flip through both futures to choose the one that turns out best. But I guess if life were that simple, if everything were just given to us, then there would be no point in living right?
Doing the right thing is not supposed to hurt so much. Its not supposed to hurt the ones we love and its not supposed to cause me this much pain. I feel like I let go of something so pure, genuine, and blindingly beautiful, a spitting image of everything I deserve and so much more. He taught me so much about love and because of him, i can except nothing less than the kindness, respect, and adoration he gave me. He holds a beautiful key, but no matter how many times I try, and as much as I wish that something so special would fit, I can’t make it unlock my heart. Maybe I’ve just barricaded it so that not even the largest bulldozer could pass its gates…maybe so many months of heartbreak has vanquished any desire to make myself vulnerable to love again…but that would be the same mistake done over once again…I’m not that dumb am I? I miss him…
